Hey again folks. This week marks the final viewing of the Foreign-Legion-themed films and after today's clunker, the 1977 British March or Die, that's a huge relief. I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised by the first two entries in this theme, but the latter two have been tough to slog through. I'm just happy to be done with the Foreign Legion general plot setup, frankly.
It's worth noting that this film is produced by two names of interest. The first is Jerry Bruckheimer. Yes, that's right, THAT Jerry Bruckheimer. Which is funny considering that the movie is largely sans 'splosions until the final 20 or so minutes, and then all fireball-y hell breaks loose. The second is Lew Grade, AKA Lord Grade AKA Low Grade. Lew was known primarily as a British TV producer, giving us some great TV from across the pond including the sci-fi marionette shows of Gerry Anderson and the Patrick McGoohan cult classic The Prisoner. But more personally relevant, and more disappointing given today's blech film, Lew was instrumental in bringing the Muppet Show to life. CBS was the only network willing to put the Muppets on the air and their requirement from Jim Henson was that he had to get someone else to cover production costs. Lew, having seen the Muppets in action on a TV special and already familiar with the entertainment potential of puppetry via the Anderson Marionation, graciously gave Jim and the gang a home at his production studios in England.
I say March or Die is blech, but it's more disappointing than bad. When Mr. X handed me the DVD I was baffled. Gene Hackman, Catherine Deneuve, and Max Von Sydow in a movie that I'd never heard of? The DVD case only added to the confusion. The packaging is cheap and frankly pretty crappola, produced by a company called WHAM! USA Still, I've seen great movies in cheap packaging produced by no-name companies, and given the cast I had faith. Maybe this was even a hidden gem! Whoo, was that not the case...
Here's the basic plot rundown: A credit scroll tells us that the Foreign Legion served as the French front line in WWI. Gene Hackman is Major Foster, an American legionnaire returning from the front lines of WWI. Foster's cynical and weary, having witnessed his troops dwindle from 8000 to 200. While Foster drinks, we meet gypsy thief Marco, who flees arrest on the docks by impromptu signing up with the Legion. We also meet Marco's soon-to-be buddies: musician Top Hat, would-be boy adventurer Hastings, and Russian ex-bodyguard Ivan. Foster is brought into Legion headquarters and told that he must dispatch a troop of Legionnaires to Morroco in hopes of shutting down Arab resistance to French rule as well as protecting Max Von Sydow's archaeology team as they dig up a potential queen's tomb. On the boat to Morroco, Marco charms widow Catherine Deneuve, much to Foster's bemused chagrin. Marco and Foster begin a father-son relationship that will last the entire movie. The legionnaires board a train for their outpost only to be stopped by Ian Holm's El Krim, leader of the Arabs who have kidnapped Deneuve's archaeologist father and interrupted the prior dig. El Krim and Foster know each other and even treat one another with grudging respect, but El Krim warns Foster: anyone desecrating Arab land must die. Foster is too much the soldier and continues on his way despite his better judgment. The men arrive at the fort and are trained with varying degrees of success. Deneuve has a tryst with Foster to keep Marco from loving her. Foster treats the men with equal measures of harshness and kindness. Major characters die for one reason or another. The troop travels to the dig site. Von Sydow finds the treasure he was seeking, which Foster offers to El Krim as a peace offering. El Krim, however, has used Foster and the French as an excuse to unite the Arab tribes and the dig site is overrun with Arabs. More major characters die. Despite an offer from Deneuve to travel back to France with her, Marco returns to the fort in Morroco to become a Legion trainer.
The plot sounds pretty similar to what we've seen before, yeah? So why did I vehemently dislike this movie?
First, this may have something to do with the DVD copy, but the movie looked awful. It looked like it was shot on the dirtiest film stock they could find and lit by a book light. A bar scene in the second act was so dimly lit I could barely make out who was who. This may have been done on purpose to recreate the low-light feel of a bar without electricity, but I'll sacrifice realism for being able to, ya know, SEE the characters any day. But I'll admit that it's hard to tell if this is the fault of the filmmakers or just a shitty DVD transfer. If this was the only visual weakness I'd be a lot more convinced of the transfer excuse. But there are also a number of really awful shots in the film. At least 50% of the close-ups in this movie are strangely framed, edited without much thought to context, and acted like the performer was just flashed in the face by several 1000-watt bulbs after downing a full bottle of Nyquil. These shots are so strange and off-putting! Several action scenes, particularly the fight on the boat, are executed in a way that makes me think they saved all of their fight choreography for the last 20 minutes. It's slow and over-choreographed and just looks awful. Visually, this movie did nothing for me.
Visuals aside, the story of March or Die is mediocre at best. You're never sure of the protagonist. Marco is an obvious contender, but then so is Foster. You could argue that there's a Heat-esque shifting pro/ant-agonist dynamic between Marco and Foster, but unlike that Michael Mann masterpiece neither character is given much of a compelling arch. Marco is a clever schemer and remains so pretty much the entire time. His romance with Deneuve might be interesting, but he doesn't really pursue it outside of a few fun early scenes. Foster just seems like he wants to get the hell out of Morocco and away from the dig site, but he's fighting the internal struggle of loyal soldiering. This internal struggle is fascinating stuff, but we only get a few choice moments before we're off to watch Marco and Deneuve or Marco's buddies struggling with training or freaking El Krim just kinda hanging out and watching for trouble. There are subplots going on in this movie that could have been developed into something fun and interesting but don't. I found myself especially aggravated by every scene involving Deneuve. What the hell is a romantic drama doing in the middle of this nihilistic military adventure movie? Von Sydow's scenes aren't much better. He's a better foil and a source of conflict for the film, but ultimately a distraction from the far greater potential of Marco's buddies and Foster's fall into depression. Beau Geste and Legionnaire did a VASTLY better job of creating subplots and relationships that you actually care about. The greatest story crime in this movie is perpetrated on Marco's buddies, who are given a minute or two of horribly bald expository backstory dialogue and then unceremoniously killed. Obvious non-soldier Top Hat, for instance, falls on the march from the train to the fort. Marco goes back and helps his friend (why are they friends? who knows? certainly not the screenwriter) get to the fort. Two or three scenes later Top Hat is impotent with a hooker and commits suicide. What the hell was the point of saving this character if he's going to have no redemption? Not only does he have no redemption, he kills himself for stupid reasons that make me wish Marco had left his stupid ass back in the stupid desert! At least with Legionnaire, Guido was allowed a heroic last act that justified the audience's investment and the protagonist's effort. Almost every story decision made in this movie left me scratching my head.
While Hackman does a damn good job of playing the burnt-out, soul-weary officer, and Von Sydow does his game best to imbue his archaeologist with the right amount of obsessed determination, the other performances suffer. Terence Hill's Marco is borderline dreadful. His line reads are wooden (perhaps like Van Damme he suffered from non-native-speaker issues). His expressions are repetitive when they aren't nearly blank, and he's got a bug-eyed look for most of the movie that is just kinda creepy. I really don't understand the appeal of this actor considering how vital he is to the story. None of the buddies fare better, but then again they're given about as much screen time as the faceless Arab hordes. Deneuve is adequate, which is a shame considering her legendary reputation. But I'll cop to the possibility that I was distracted from her performance by my utter loathing of her subplots.
Per usual, here are some random thoughts:
- Hackman looking good in a french moustache. Grim, but kinda handsome. Nice touch picking up the wounded returning soldier.
- Interesting. Meet the thief, who happens to be thieving at the train station where the Legion has arrived, which is how he gets roped in. I prefer this approach. It gets straight to the Legion, none of this prologue nonsense.
- Digging the Hackman "captain who regrets his job" thing. Like the Tom Hanks role in Pvt Ryan
- Drunk Russian is AWESOME!!! hahahaha
- hahaha... newspaper interstitial tells me all I need to know about the coming movie: ARABS ATTACK MOROCCO, LEGION COMPANY MASSACRED. This is going to be a grim-ass movie.
- Fantastic tension in the Von Sydow introduction. Hackman is being a total dick. But justified.
- This hooker's acting is fucking awful. And this scene with Hackman is bad raw exposition. Woof, terrible scene.
- The fight on the ship is fucking terrible. Bad sound, bad action directing, barely motivated if you could even hear the dialogue... just bad.
- Hackman's grimness is unintentionally hilarious. The dinner scene with Von Sydow and Deneuve is just one long douche-chill.
- So here are our guys: The Dandy, the Boy, the Russian, the Thief.
- The "drink the booze" scene is hilarious and very "Dad catches the kid smoking"
- Weird. None of the pre-Legion bullshit, yet this movie has the same pace issue. Half an hour in and there's no sign of the central conflict.
- Oh man, I LOVE the interplay between Holm and Hackman when they meet up by the train!!!
- Oh shit. Top Hat is mourning his hat and coat. He's totes dead.
- Are they implying PTSD for Hackman? It would be interesting to explore PTSD in a period piece.
- Uh oh. Marco hit the target for Hastings. Hastings is the next to be totes dead.
- Fucking pack of vultures! Deneuve's father gets shot in the head and all these guys swoop in to sleep with her!
- Wait, is Ian Holm's character name Sayid? LOST!!!! (poom)
- The scene with Von Sydow and Deneuve talking about her father felt like they were rushing through.
- Top Hat playing at the piano - it's a good potential redemption. (2 min later) Oh. Nope. Totes dead, like I figured.
- Ugh. I don't care about this Deneuve melodrama. Please get her off screen.
- There are so many shots in this movie of characters just.... looking. And I think they're trying to imply some kind of thoughtfulness, but it just plays weird and vacant.
- Hastings says he's on guns. Yep, totes dead next. (2 min later) Yep. I knew it.
- Thanks, movie, for that 2-second "scene" telling us the Russian's background. Who the fuck cares? We're a half hour from the end of the film. What was the point of giving us that info?
- Hackman trying to buy peace with the casket is really clever, interesting. More of that, please.
- Finally, an hour and a half into this Bruckheimer movie we get some splosions.
- Nice! It takes 6 or more Arabs to take down the Russian! Kinda wish the movie made me care about him more.
Does the movie fit the theme? Yeah, I think it does. Sure, you've got a lot of stupid subplot nonsense that has nothing at all to do with the Legion, but this movie definitely gives me the feeling of overwhelming odds and horrible constant death that I associate with the Legion from my research. This movie is grim. It's so grim that Anton Chigurh watched it and said, "Holy fuck, man, this movie is totes grim." And then he shot some guy in the face with a compressed-air steel bolt.
Despite a great performance from Hackman and a true-feeling grimness to the narrative, I would say stay away from March or Die. It looks terrible, the story's blech, and most of the remaining cast is wooden at best. I think I might prefer a Chigurh bolt to the face. (Just kidding! Or am I?)
Until next week! And keep an eye out for my post regarding the next theme!
No comments:
Post a Comment